tw: descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks,...
Ok, so I’ll admit that I’ve read like a half dozen actual fanfics and seen maybe three dozen super-shorts go by on my dash, and I’ve already got a pet peeve. Castiel’s voice. No, not the larynx-destroying gravel gargle that Misha decided would be a cool way to support the Sucrets industry; the way his dialogue is written in fic.
THINGS CASTIEL IS:
- Millions, possibly billions of years old
- Open to levels of reality we literally cannot comprehend
- A veteran of many, many forms of combat (and stupidly good at them; even among his own kind, it’s been made pretty clear that he can only have his ass handed to him by an archangel)
- Unique among his kind for his openness to free will and devotion to
- Blunt, direct, to-the-point, however you want to phrase it. He is capable of deception, wordplay, letter of the law, or subtlety, but unless he sees a good need for it, he’ll just fucking say whatever it is.
- Taciturn. He doesn’t use ten words when three will do. This doesn’t make him shy, it means you need to think Hemingway, not Joyce.
- A native speaker of celestial Enochian who is nonetheless extremely fluent in modern English but occasionally runs into some ESL issues in nuanced idiom.
THINGS CASTIEL IS NOT:
- Arthur Weasley, trying to figure out the purpose of a rubber duck. He knew he’d need money for airfare when he couldn’t teleport, and figured out a bus instead completely on his own. He can navigate this world.
- Completely ignorant of all pop culture. He gets many references just by gist and context, and he’s getting more and more. He doesn’t sleep and loves TV. He’s a non-geek, not an idiot.
- An idiot. He’s brilliant beyond human capacity. I don’t want to ever again see him failing to apply basic logic because it’s cute. He’s not going to be shocked that humans can’t fly like angels…or that eggs blow up in a microwave. He can see microwaves. He IS partially microwaves. He knows how they work. Same for broadband or anything else like that.
- Borat. The things he misses are really, really subtle, we just take them for granted. For the most part, he’s got humanity and this culture down. I dare you to go to a foreign country - even if you speak the language fluently and have been watching things set there for years - and make no missteps. But neither is he grotesquely misinformed or out of place. The most drastic *facepalm* he’s made was in counseling the stripper, and it’s hardly a horrible thing to not understand he’s ‘supposed to’ dehumanize sex workers.
- A child. He’s been watching humans fuck each other over in every way you can take that since we were little grey fish struggling up on shore. Being unfamiliar with the tropes of cheap motel porn or surprised that he can become aroused in the manner of his vessel (when we have no concept what arousal means in his native form) does not equal having no concept of what grownups do with their parts.
- Freakishly formal. He can and usually does use contractions, along with verbally standard rather than book-perfect grammar. He speaks fairly normally, if you actually look at the dialogue and separate it from Misha’s unique cadences (which are what, along with super-precise diction, give the impression of uber-formality). There aren’t that many thousand-dollar words, or even hundred-dollar words. He even uses non-verbal noises like uh-huh, informalities like hey and yeah, and slang terms like bender.
- Spock or early TNG Data. He has emotions. Lots of emotions as things go on, and signs of emotion from the very beginning. This was one of the first things that separated him from the other angels. Castiel FEELS. Tremendously deeply. We’ve seen him laugh, beam, wonder, fear, grieve, rage, and weep. Whatisfeels!Castiel is just plain NO unless you’re writing from before he had contact with Dean.
- Humorless. It’s not just funnier in Enochian. He’s actually got a pretty good sense of humor in English, even if a little deadpan. And frankly, all his humor missteps either fall firmly into language/culture gap or when he was absolutely batguano in the brainpan.
- Worried about his sexuality/sexual orientation/gender identity because of any attraction to Dean. He melted a homophobic pastor. Far more likely he’d be surprised at having a physical desire for a completely different species than that said member of completely different species had a penis.
- Shyly deferential to Dean. Or Sam. Or Bobby. Or anybody. Dude up and rebelled against Fate, Death, Destiny, God, his siblings, his commanding officers, and the nature of his species harder than Dobby and the Doctor combined. He’s not about to be cowed into a stammering mess of sorry because Dean narrows his eyes at him.Look, I understand “your kink is not my kink.” I understand when it’s innocent!Cas or sub!Cas or naive!Cas or emotionless!Cas because that’s what jellies your donut. It’s the ones who really seem like they’re trying hard to capture his actual voice and do this shit that I don’t understand. The characters having such distinct, consistent, and well-rendered voices is one of the best things about this show. Why make him less complex, human/inhuman, and interesting?
it’s just really hard to function in every day life when “dean and castiel” is a recurring thought in your mind
dean’s going to see him. he’s going to be looking at him. he’s going to be seeing him with his eyes.
his eyes are going to be seeing cas. we’ll get to see him see cas.
we’ll see him see cas and he’ll be seeing him.
THIS IS LIKE SNAPE
COME BACK FROM THE DEAD.
DO YOU FUCKERS UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE FUCK